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If Ignorance is Bliss... You Must Be Orgasming!

I refuse to have a battle of witt with an unarmed man

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vegandragonfly
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May 11th, 2008

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recovered. gained 40lbs from initial weight at begining of recover. 94lbs to 138lbs... as of now I am 125lbs. ...I am no relapsing again. ...on a few things.

Got a new job as an office girl in a watch shop and gonna go take cosmetology in school soon. Busy busy busy. I left the journal alone for a while, it was holding back my recovery but since I've relapsed I'm back... I think a coke binge is in order.... I'm now not going to eat more than 200 calories at work
g2g
-kg

November 28th, 2007

Happy Fucking Holidays

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I love the holidays really I do, but I seriously hate all these stupid sales and christmas presents in general. You know what I want for christmas? Things I could use, like a gym membership or a new yoga mat, but you know what most of my family will get me? Crap. Crap I don't want like bubble bath gift baskets full of products vicously tested on animals, or some jewelry my aunt doesnt want anymore. She's notorious for that, giving me her home shopping network leftovers that are obviously her taste, and I could swear she wore to some family function a few years ago, now she doesnt wear it and is recycling it by giving it to me as a gift. I don't wear jewelry btw... let alone gawdy home shopping network jewelry that sparkles and represents african slave work and funds war movements. I won't wear gemstones at all, so why anyone gives me this stuff baffles me. 

To be honest most material posessions go against my politics. When asked what I want for Christmas, I said NOTHING, what a concept. I've said it every year for the past three or four years, because really, I don't want anything. 

Well I'd like to have a nice family christmas by the fire place with a lovely meal that is accomidating of my vegan organic lifestyle and no one judges me, but that wont happen because really no one in my family likes me really, I'm the black sheep and as far as me being vegan I will always hear about how "it's not good for me" as they chow down on fried chicken and cookies. 

I don't buy people gifts, and I really wish they wouldnt get me anymore useless junk I'm only going to stash in a drawer or in the back of my closet until a family function comes up when I'll wear it to make them feel good. I'd like every one to keep their money this year and buy themselves something really nice that they really want instead of maxing out their credit cards to buy everyone on their list something they dont want just so they feel remembered and special. Isn't it enough to just be together and spend time with eachother? 

I didn't attend the family Christmas last year, I didn't want to because to be honest I have nothing in common with my family, they dont like me, and honestly I'd like for them to forget my birthday for once and all, I get cards in the wrong month for the wrong age this year was my 18th birthday for the second year in the row but apperently my birthday has been moved to july? I just throw out the card and generally spend the money on food, or some socks I need... I r eally don't need people to pretend they remembered my birthday when they don't know how old I am or when it is.

okay so I'm ranting on but I'm seriously over our consumer gluttony on the holidays when children are dying in Darfur from starvation.

Keep your money this christmas, and be glad you can be with your family, be glad they havnt been killed for oil, and you are all warm and eating well... screw the presents and the tree (I hate trees too, bad for the environment and all) just enjoy this chance to come together with those you love and eat a bunch of vegan christmas cookies with some soy nog (my new obsession, silk soy nog, mmm.) 

Happy Holidays
-KG-

November 2nd, 2007

What to use?

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I am in the market for diet pills, does anyone have any suggestions of what I should get? Or for that matter shouldn't  get?

Any and all reviews are welcome, I'd like to hear from people who have used a product for an extended length of time if possable.

I had a few in mind, Rapid Slim SX, Ephedrasil, Hydroxy Cut, and Alli, so if you have reviews of those I would really like to hear about it!

I am looking for something that reduces appetite, gives me energy, and helps burn calories... I can live without the energy part though, I drink 5-10 cups of green tea a day.

Thankyou,
-KG

October 30th, 2007

Manorexic

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So I think my boyfriend is anorexic... get that. He sometimes doesn't eat at all, because he's not hungry or forgets! (he gets on me for this all the time) 

He used to be fat, as a child, and suddenly in his teens he lost the weight and became very skinny. He was just normal skinny when we started dating but now he is so thin (makes me jealous even) I mean THIN not just skinny. 

He looks skeletal. seriously. He's gorgeous. I love it, you can see his ribbs, you can see his shoulder blades pop, his spine, everything is perfect. So thin, and toned too. I get so jealous. I love how he looks... and I've noticed the last month, he is encouraging me with my diet and never eats. he admits it. 

I wonder if he's trying to tell me something. I wonder... can we go through this together? I havn't seen him this skinny since we were both on hard drugs! I wish I knew. I love him so much, either way  I love him. he is my thinspiration, I feel obsessed with his skeletal body. I guess it's a good thing to be obsessed with your boyfriends body! lol.

Still only the crystal light. 5 calories. I hate those five calories. Almost a perfect day.

I tried to work out, but I don't have any energy... maybe in a while. gotta get 30 minutes! 

I drew some pictures, for some reason, I get really crative when I am fasting, I'm gonna put them on the website once I figure out how to use my scanner.

Stay Strong!
-KG-

I'm editing this entry because I don't want to post too many, but oh god, I drank 4oz of naked super food... 70 calories! I feel like I'm such a weak failure! I thought I was gonna pass out. So I had some. I feel better physically but mentally I feel worse. like a failure. Good thing I'm fasting till the 2nd. Tomorrow is halloween and I am spending the day hiding from candy, the scarriest part of halloween! No candy binges for KG, just fasting... oh and sleeping, I'm gonna try and sleep tomorrow. I need it. Day three is always the tough one for me, but I can do it. I WILL do it. I can't wait. I can't wait until tomorrow is a success, fasting through halloween means will power. I will be so proud of myself after tomorrow! The rest of the world is gorging themselves with candy, but I am not.

October 27th, 2007

Yes! It's Raining

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 It's raining! Finally a break for So Cal. It's light rain, but theres 10% containment now on the fire near me, I'll bet I can get outside and walk today... My dog is freakin wet... lol, he looks like a black and white mop!

October 26th, 2007

Friends ONLY!

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This journal is now friends only. Comment and I'll add.

-KG [Putting the FU in TOFU]

Pumpkin King

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 Last night Brett & Kayla, Anthony & Melanie (sp?), Andrew & I went to see Nightmare Before Christmas 3D. It was SO much FUN. That was so great I havn't seen Nightmare Before Christmas in theatres since I was a kid let alone in 3D. It was really trippy. I want to go again.

After that we went to andrews for a bit, and kicked it. Not very eventful so Brett, Kayla, Andrew and I went to Denny's and ate ALOT of fries and onion rings... Then as we were leaving, I said, "YOU GUYS! Let's steal a freakin pumpkin!" lol. Sooooo.... WE DID! We went to a place I used to work a few years ago and brett hopped the fence tossed me a pumpkin and we drove off into the night! We then drove to a house and smashed it on the driveway of this guy who ruined Brett's birthday. Hahaha. Brett is the pumpkin KING! 

I thought it was hillarious! We are so evil. hahaha. What else is there to do in the middle of the night? 

Then we kicked it at my house and I attacked Brett and Kayla, mainly Kayla, with bubble wrap! 

Last night was fun. Nothing can bring me down... although I do wish the fires would stop. I can't breath, and peoples lives are being ruined... This is aweful. I guess the fires bring me down a little.

Fires

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I wish the fires would stop, I got together alot of donations, furniture, clothes, books, old toys, candles, alot of stuff I wasn't using. I Can't breath outside. Someone was arrested in the area by my house trying to start another fire. Those people are fucking crazy. I can't understand shit like that. And people think I'm sickening.

As far as my and struggling with recovery... I'm not explaining myself ANYMORE I wrote a long journal back in august about this sort of stuff 8/26/07 "Just to make things clear". URL: http://vegandragonfly.livejournal.com/8017.html

Read it, or don't say anything to me.

I fucking eat okay. I am eating some god damn cerial right now. I fucking eat. I have also gotten fat. I can't even tell you what my doctors scale said yesterday. It's too embarrassing. I am going to get this weight off no matter what. I am TRYING to do it naturally, sometimes I just get triggered. I don't expect you to understand.

Yeah I'm fucked up. I KNOW that. Thats why I'm in therapy fucktard. Yes sometimes I lie to my family, friends and boyfriend about my eating habits. I'm trying to protect them, trying not to hurt them. I have made alot of fucking progress. You don't know how bad I was. I didn't have a live journal back then. I usually tell my sister and boyfriend the truth after a few days. 

As far as me killing myself. I am not killing myself. I am not suicidal. Skipping a meal here and there is not killing yourself. When I'm 99lbs and still doing this shit. THAT is killing yourself. Fasting isn't even starving, starving only begins when your body begins to use vital tissue. Pleanty of people fast for religeous reasons. I don't want to hear your stupid oppinions, you can't even begin to relate, you have no idea what an eating disorder is like. Unless you understand eating disorders dont get on your high mighty horse and tell me how pathetic I am. I will just laugh at you.

Speaking of things to laugh at... well I'ma make another entry thats more light hearted, then I'll tell you.

October 25th, 2007

If You Read You Will Judge

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"If You Read You Will Judge" The beginning of Kurt Cobains Journals Said That. Don't Judge me. None of you. Don't you dare judge me. I may sicken you but pleanty of things sicken people, and it's not always right. For whoever wants to know's information I DID tell my boyfriend what was going on this morning because I had to go to an OBGYN appointment and I had the get weighed, I was very upset at someone else seeing those numbers. This may seem stupid to you, but you get molested as a child, beaten by your parents your whole life and then get raped by your room mate when you finally escape hell and move out  away from your abusive parents... then you try and feel good about yourself.

I am not excusing myself, but I am saying there is more to things than people may think. I've said all this shit before, if you don't read every entry, don't judge me. I don't think like normal people I have very serious mental issues, I know this. That's why I am in therapy. I am trying, but I fall off the band wagon just like anyone else going through a recovery process. I may think rediculous things at times, I'M SICK. I never said I wasn't so anyone who is surprised at my "warpped" thought, or sickened or whatever, You should have known.

Also for your information ,I DID eat today. I fucking ate 1245 calories, my sister helped me out today.

I know I hurt people with this, How the fuck do you think I feel? I am a confused stupid cunt and I know it. I don't need YOU, someone who doesnt know me, to fucking tell me. Judge yourself. 

-KG-
  Listening to mogwaii right now, I know you are but what am I. I'm ina strange indie mood, wish I had thought to borrow my BF's Beck CD's and Fugazi like I had planned. I'm burnt out on the dresden dolls. ... I'm into alot of types of music, I like good music, or nostalgic music (meaning songs that remind me of things personally) Metal and jazz are my main loves anything technical or progressive, but late at night I prefer more simple music. I get too into metal and end up staying awake because I'll wanto to hear this band or that bass player. You know?

  Not that I'm sleeping right now, mainly why I'm writing again... I was gonna play warcraft II but I know it will keep me up even longer. 

  I want to be... I will be thin again. Clint Mansel is another person I like to listen to in fact... I put some on. He did some music for requiem for a dream. I like scarrling, jack off jill, emily autumn... I like nirvanna, nin, smashing pumpkins... pretty depressing music, but I grew up on alot of it... oh and tool, been listening to them forever, my moms friend has always been a fan... I remember that from when I was way young... Not too much metal tonight, just that stuff.

  Music has gotten me through everything. Without music, art and journaling I'd be dead. I am loving no food. I know I like self abuse, but am I extream even for the extream? I like to not sleep for days, while not eating, I really don't know why. No drugs, I swear, just naturally doing that. I discovered thats what I liked most about meth and coke, so I just leave the drugs out. I like the mental high or naturally depriving yourself of sleep and food. It's godly. I used to be a cutter/burner/bruser, but it's been so long... I hate the scars I have and I am so insecure about them and self consious, I can tell when people stare. I wear mostly long sleves, still. I pull my hair out sometimes when I'm nervous, I dont mean to. Like I said, I think I just like to abuse myself or whatever.

  I think it's common for people who have been abused by others as much as I have to like to abuse themselves. I feel a bit sick about it. I think thats why I stopped cutting, burning, and brusing, but... starving. oh god I love that. I should know better, and I usually get sick about that too, but only when I get really thin, yet I always long to go back to that state when it's gone. weird huh? 

  My insomnia never leaves... it's just sometimes I embrace it and don't force myself to sleep. I loved working at 4:30am for that reason. Show up at 3:30ish and have a chat and smoke with linda, then go in early make drinks and get to work, usually I was off no later than 1pm... then I'd either run errands or sleep, but I never had to eat. I got so thin working there, running off espresso and ciggarettes. I can't wait to get another job. There's alot holding me back right now, I think I already wrote about it, and I don't feel like going into it now, but I just... I wish my life wasn't so complicated right now.

  Starving helps me cope. I can't cut, burn or bruise myself because it makes andrew feel bad... well sometimes I bruise myself, but not in a few months... Starvation I can get away with for so long, Making myself stay awake is easy too because everyone knows I am an insomniac. It doesn't even phase anyone and if anyone questions drug abuse... I will gladly take a drug test... I've been clean for so long. 

  I love the pain of hunger, there are so many aspects. head aches, stumach pain, back pain, muscle pain, dizziness... I love it and when I don't sleep It's just... It's like being high. seriously. lol.

  I'm just writing about this because I wonder sometimes if anyone else gets off on depriving themselves from basic needs... I sometimes feel that if I write about this stuff, someone else going through the same thing won't feel lonely or weird anymore, if they find it. I know I feel like that alot. Well not so much lonely, but I wouldn't write in here If I didn't need something to confide in. 

  I guess thats a form of lonliness, needing to keep secrets and outlet them somewhere like this. I feel weird definately. I also feel like I can't tell people this stuff because It's crazy. I can't tell people in my personal life because I don't want them to abandon me or be angry with me. I'm insane, I know this. I do the same things over and over again expecting something different to happen. I also like to abuse myself, and I feel like that would hurt people. So I keep alot of stuff to myself. 

This is where I confess, get it all off my chest.

  I keep so much of myself from the people I love. I have tried to tell Andrew about alot of it. He understands alot of it, but alot of it he just... He gets so angry and he doesnt understand... It hurts me to know there is a part of me he can never understand, nor will he accept it or stand for it. I can't blame him, of course, I just wish I had someone to go through this stuff with. I feel like a monster or a freak because I'm like this.

  Thats why I write. I'm looking to have a conversation with myself, to be my own best friend. You know? I'm not phrasing it right but, I want to be honest and share my joys and sorrows fully with someone. I just can't do that to the people I love because it means I will hurt them. I can't say I'm excited to be fasting, or something. You just dont say that stuff to people who care about you. I just wish I had someone to pat me on the back and say good job, I'm with you, I understand what an accomplishment this is to you. I share your joy. Obviously this would be too painful for anyone close to someone else. So I write, I tell myself how wonderful I feel for being an absolute shit. 

  I must be out of my damn skull. I just dont have a best friend really. Theres Andrew and my sister, they are deffinately my best friends, but... I want to TELL someone these crazy thoughts I have. Not like a therapist or something, I don't want help. Thats the part that makes it hard, I just want someone to understand and accept it, and even maybe support me in my insanity. It's alot to ask... too much to ask.

  I guess I'm used to being alone anyway. from the youngest age I can remember. Alone. I never felt part of anything or anyone untill Andrew, but I know I still just dont fit in. I'm not normal. I make people uncomfortable to the point where they can't stand me because I sicken them with my ways. 

  That alone makes me so sad. That I am that repulsive to people, that it makes people hate me... or even worse, just stop talking to me, no reason, nice to my face, but they avoid me still. I know the truth, I just wish they'd tell me to fuck off instead of pretending. I can't blame them for hating me, I'd understand.

  I am more understanding than people think, I can take being told someone doesnt like me and never wants to see me again. If they can't deal with me then whatever, just dont keep my hopes up. I know I am alot to put up with.

  I smile when I starve... and I don't really know if I want to get better. I know I try because I see how much it hurts and concerns the people I love... I think what I'm trying to say Is I wish it didn't hurt them, I wish I wasn't torn between making them happy and making me happy. It's forbidden and taboo what I am doing. I will always be an outcast in some way because of it. I have always felt isolated, since I realized I didn't have a life like everyone else.

  I'm too different and for some people it's too much.

  Do I sound like an ass or something? I'm writing alot. This is going to bore whoever reads this. I'm sure if not it will make them crack up because I'm such a stupid lunatic. I should be locked up.

  I am really selfish... I am chosing making myself happy right now, and that means starving myself. Alot of hurt will come of this, but it's the only way I know how to live. If I am thin I can do anything, I can face anyone. I need this to feel part of the world even though it is what seperates me. If that makes any sence? Probably not. I never do.

Nonsencically Yours,
-KG-
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