"If You Read You Will Judge" The beginning of Kurt Cobains Journals Said That. Don't Judge me. None of you. Don't you dare judge me. I may sicken you but pleanty of things sicken people, and it's not always right. For whoever wants to know's information I DID tell my boyfriend what was going on this morning because I had to go to an OBGYN appointment and I had the get weighed, I was very upset at someone else seeing those numbers. This may seem stupid to you, but you get molested as a child, beaten by your parents your whole life and then get raped by your room mate when you finally escape hell and move out away from your abusive parents... then you try and feel good about yourself.
I am not excusing myself, but I am saying there is more to things than people may think. I've said all this shit before, if you don't read every entry, don't judge me. I don't think like normal people I have very serious mental issues, I know this. That's why I am in therapy. I am trying, but I fall off the band wagon just like anyone else going through a recovery process. I may think rediculous things at times, I'M SICK. I never said I wasn't so anyone who is surprised at my "warpped" thought, or sickened or whatever, You should have known.
Also for your information ,I DID eat today. I fucking ate 1245 calories, my sister helped me out today.
I know I hurt people with this, How the fuck do you think I feel? I am a confused stupid cunt and I know it. I don't need YOU, someone who doesnt know me, to fucking tell me. Judge yourself.
Listening to mogwaii right now, I know you are but what am I. I'm ina strange indie mood, wish I had thought to borrow my BF's Beck CD's and Fugazi like I had planned. I'm burnt out on the dresden dolls. ... I'm into alot of types of music, I like good music, or nostalgic music (meaning songs that remind me of things personally) Metal and jazz are my main loves anything technical or progressive, but late at night I prefer more simple music. I get too into metal and end up staying awake because I'll wanto to hear this band or that bass player. You know?
Not that I'm sleeping right now, mainly why I'm writing again... I was gonna play warcraft II but I know it will keep me up even longer.
I want to be... I will be thin again. Clint Mansel is another person I like to listen to in fact... I put some on. He did some music for requiem for a dream. I like scarrling, jack off jill, emily autumn... I like nirvanna, nin, smashing pumpkins... pretty depressing music, but I grew up on alot of it... oh and tool, been listening to them forever, my moms friend has always been a fan... I remember that from when I was way young... Not too much metal tonight, just that stuff.
Music has gotten me through everything. Without music, art and journaling I'd be dead. I am loving no food. I know I like self abuse, but am I extream even for the extream? I like to not sleep for days, while not eating, I really don't know why. No drugs, I swear, just naturally doing that. I discovered thats what I liked most about meth and coke, so I just leave the drugs out. I like the mental high or naturally depriving yourself of sleep and food. It's godly. I used to be a cutter/burner/bruser, but it's been so long... I hate the scars I have and I am so insecure about them and self consious, I can tell when people stare. I wear mostly long sleves, still. I pull my hair out sometimes when I'm nervous, I dont mean to. Like I said, I think I just like to abuse myself or whatever.
I think it's common for people who have been abused by others as much as I have to like to abuse themselves. I feel a bit sick about it. I think thats why I stopped cutting, burning, and brusing, but... starving. oh god I love that. I should know better, and I usually get sick about that too, but only when I get really thin, yet I always long to go back to that state when it's gone. weird huh?
My insomnia never leaves... it's just sometimes I embrace it and don't force myself to sleep. I loved working at 4:30am for that reason. Show up at 3:30ish and have a chat and smoke with linda, then go in early make drinks and get to work, usually I was off no later than 1pm... then I'd either run errands or sleep, but I never had to eat. I got so thin working there, running off espresso and ciggarettes. I can't wait to get another job. There's alot holding me back right now, I think I already wrote about it, and I don't feel like going into it now, but I just... I wish my life wasn't so complicated right now.
Starving helps me cope. I can't cut, burn or bruise myself because it makes andrew feel bad... well sometimes I bruise myself, but not in a few months... Starvation I can get away with for so long, Making myself stay awake is easy too because everyone knows I am an insomniac. It doesn't even phase anyone and if anyone questions drug abuse... I will gladly take a drug test... I've been clean for so long.
I love the pain of hunger, there are so many aspects. head aches, stumach pain, back pain, muscle pain, dizziness... I love it and when I don't sleep It's just... It's like being high. seriously. lol.
I'm just writing about this because I wonder sometimes if anyone else gets off on depriving themselves from basic needs... I sometimes feel that if I write about this stuff, someone else going through the same thing won't feel lonely or weird anymore, if they find it. I know I feel like that alot. Well not so much lonely, but I wouldn't write in here If I didn't need something to confide in.
I guess thats a form of lonliness, needing to keep secrets and outlet them somewhere like this. I feel weird definately. I also feel like I can't tell people this stuff because It's crazy. I can't tell people in my personal life because I don't want them to abandon me or be angry with me. I'm insane, I know this. I do the same things over and over again expecting something different to happen. I also like to abuse myself, and I feel like that would hurt people. So I keep alot of stuff to myself.
This is where I confess, get it all off my chest.
I keep so much of myself from the people I love. I have tried to tell Andrew about alot of it. He understands alot of it, but alot of it he just... He gets so angry and he doesnt understand... It hurts me to know there is a part of me he can never understand, nor will he accept it or stand for it. I can't blame him, of course, I just wish I had someone to go through this stuff with. I feel like a monster or a freak because I'm like this.
Thats why I write. I'm looking to have a conversation with myself, to be my own best friend. You know? I'm not phrasing it right but, I want to be honest and share my joys and sorrows fully with someone. I just can't do that to the people I love because it means I will hurt them. I can't say I'm excited to be fasting, or something. You just dont say that stuff to people who care about you. I just wish I had someone to pat me on the back and say good job, I'm with you, I understand what an accomplishment this is to you. I share your joy. Obviously this would be too painful for anyone close to someone else. So I write, I tell myself how wonderful I feel for being an absolute shit.
I must be out of my damn skull. I just dont have a best friend really. Theres Andrew and my sister, they are deffinately my best friends, but... I want to TELL someone these crazy thoughts I have. Not like a therapist or something, I don't want help. Thats the part that makes it hard, I just want someone to understand and accept it, and even maybe support me in my insanity. It's alot to ask... too much to ask.
I guess I'm used to being alone anyway. from the youngest age I can remember. Alone. I never felt part of anything or anyone untill Andrew, but I know I still just dont fit in. I'm not normal. I make people uncomfortable to the point where they can't stand me because I sicken them with my ways.
That alone makes me so sad. That I am that repulsive to people, that it makes people hate me... or even worse, just stop talking to me, no reason, nice to my face, but they avoid me still. I know the truth, I just wish they'd tell me to fuck off instead of pretending. I can't blame them for hating me, I'd understand.
I am more understanding than people think, I can take being told someone doesnt like me and never wants to see me again. If they can't deal with me then whatever, just dont keep my hopes up. I know I am alot to put up with.
I smile when I starve... and I don't really know if I want to get better. I know I try because I see how much it hurts and concerns the people I love... I think what I'm trying to say Is I wish it didn't hurt them, I wish I wasn't torn between making them happy and making me happy. It's forbidden and taboo what I am doing. I will always be an outcast in some way because of it. I have always felt isolated, since I realized I didn't have a life like everyone else.
I'm too different and for some people it's too much.
Do I sound like an ass or something? I'm writing alot. This is going to bore whoever reads this. I'm sure if not it will make them crack up because I'm such a stupid lunatic. I should be locked up.
I am really selfish... I am chosing making myself happy right now, and that means starving myself. Alot of hurt will come of this, but it's the only way I know how to live. If I am thin I can do anything, I can face anyone. I need this to feel part of the world even though it is what seperates me. If that makes any sence? Probably not. I never do.